How To Make Your Meetings Worse

Use these tips and make your work environment toxic today!

He’s ready to make his next meeting awful (Unsplash)

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When entering a meeting room, you should have one primary goal in mind:

Ensure the meeting will run late.

Think of the repercussions. One meeting running late means several other meetings starting late. It also creates negative vibes, making it less likely to find consensus on the topic at hand.

Your secondary goals should be to:

1. Make the meeting as inefficient and unpleasant as possible.
2. Get another meeting scheduled to discuss the topic further.

May you find below inspiration to waste more of your colleagues’ precious time.

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Agenda

If possible, do not send any.

If you’re not the organizer and unfortunately received one, try as much as possible not to follow it. Ask questions on topics scheduled for later.

Conversely, towards the end of the meeting, reopen issues previously discussed. You can always pretend the question just came to your mind and seemed too important not to ask it.

A trick I use is to pre-discuss some topics with the meeting organizer. It gives them the impression you’re engaged and supportive, all the while providing you with ideas for late questions.

Be aware of your body language

Cross arms and legs to project contrarian vibes. Do not hesitate to uncross and cross again regularly during the meeting, especially when a new speaker starts talking.

Alternatively, adopt a slouched posture for optimal demotivation effect.

Communication style

Try to misinterpret as many statements as possible. If you’re expected to comment, remember to complain and criticize. Use negative mirroring techniques anytime you speak up.

For example, if someone explains the three main strengths of the product, ask them what the three main weaknesses are.

In general, bring out the very worst of your people skills. Ad hominem attacks are a minimum.

Focus on details

If someone dares mention the big picture, ask a how question. For example, “How can we understand the big picture if we can’t agree on the details?”

Don’t hesitate to use clichéd expressions like “the devil lies in the details” to support your point and, with luck, annoy participants who heard it too many times.

Online meetings

For maximum disturbance, you need two things, a crying baby and a cute cat. I don’t recommend having a baby at home, but you can easily find sound effects online.

Leave cat treats near your computer so the cat will come in range.

Wait for one of the meeting participants to comment on the cat’s cuteness before engaging in a four to seven minutes monologue about the cat’s cuteness. Pet the cat during the process for maximum defocusing effect.

Participants

Obviously, try to invite as many people as possible to your meetings.

If you’re not organizing, forward the meeting invitation to colleagues with a note telling them you think it would be good if they could join. 
(Don’t forget to remove the agenda)

During the meeting, make sure every participant voices their opinion. Identify the most talkative ones and ask them follow-up questions.

Meeting Minutes

If you’re unlucky and part of an organization promoting good meeting practices, always volunteer to write the meeting minutes.

Take abundant notes during the meeting for credibility. Ask stupid questions to clarify the least relevant points. Use the excuse of taking the minutes if someone complains.

Never send the minutes before at least two different participants remind you about it. Also, make deliberate mistakes and omissions.

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Concluding remarks

The only drawback of making work meetings worse is that you need to come prepared and stay focused.

Because no matter the meeting, there’s always a moment when someone goes off-topic. You mustn’t miss it. With your help, the off-topic could last for at least twice as long and might even replace the agenda of the meeting altogether.

Worst of luck!