You would think begging for money is easy, but you would be wrong.
Begging for money is an art.
While anyone interested in trickle-down economics can successfully use the techniques revealed here, it’s particularly true for Substack writers as they’re usually penniless.
What are my credentials you ask?
I’m a professional. Mark Suroviec recently said, “Smillew you have a gift. When everyone else asks for money it’s annoying, when you do it it’s funny and endearing.”
Here’s how you do it:
#1 — Be shameless
There’s no shame in begging for money online, but that doesn’t prevent our minds from thinking there is.
Professional online beggars don’t feel shame anymore. They don’t even know the meaning of the word. To wash away the shame, I recommend you practice meditation, for example, staircase meditation.
#2 — Offer something in exchange
Generally speaking, you can offer value or entertainment.
I’m not delusional regarding my intellectual capacities and chose to be entertaining, but your situation might differ. If you’re a genius, misunderstood or not, use it to your advantage.
#3 — Make it easy for people to give you money
If you click this link, you will see I set the minimum donation on my ko-fi page to $1.
You could choose $2 or maybe, $3, but don’t leave it on the default $5 — it’s way too high. The average Substack costs $5 per month; you can’t add a tip equal to one month of subscription — it won’t work.
As my grandma would say, a one-dollar bill is better than a 0-dollar bill.
#4 — Manipulate people
Again, click on my ko-fi link to see that I set a goal there. Ko-fi offers the possibility to choose a title and a target amount.
I said I was raising funds to buy new dentures for my grandma. The goal is to make people cry and, therefore, more likely to give me money (see also point 1).
I chose an arbitrary number for the goal, $151 because it sounds more realistic than the generic $100.
Pro-tip: Avoid 154 and 145 because of the two following digits. 156, 157, 158, and 159 are better, but they still look like you made things up and followed the keyboard's order. I recommend 151 or 153. Don't use 152. Odd numbers work better.
I’m also changing the goal regularly to see if it impacts people’s behavior.
If you set it so that the current achievement rate is 98%, someone might be more likely to give you money, not because they like you, but because of the satisfaction of witnessing the counter reach 100%.
On the other hand, the total needs to be appropriately high; having a 98% achievement rate of a $4 goal isn’t sexy.
It’s also possible that some people will feel pity if you’re far away from the goal and give you more; consider using a target with a 29% achievement rate — for example.
A final note on manipulation, you shall never start the counter at $0.
Always pretend someone already gave you money. It’s social proof at work.
#5 — Lie
It’s borderline with point 4 and can be difficult for people who haven’t fully reached the shameless Buddha state of point 1, BUT it’s the most efficient technique available to beg for money (online and elsewhere).
Examples include:
I’m about to die. Please help me realize my last wish of becoming a millionaire,
Buy my course on nothing today, and I’ll send you nothing tomorrow,
I’m dropping a new cryptocurrency next month. Would you like to be an early adopter and receive #SmillewCoins in exchange?
Takeaway (with examples inside)
Be shameless. Example: this takeaway is useless, but I added it to increase the chances you’ll subscribe to my Substack.
Offer something in exchange. Example: you can buy a picture of my favorite vintage toilet paper roll here.
Make it easy for people to give you money. Example: Who’s ringing at your door right now? Yep, it’s me. Prepare your cash. (I also accept credit cards here.)
Manipulate people. Example: Recent breakthroughs in sociological studies show that wonderful people like you leave generous tips.
Lie. Example: I would never do that.
Smillew, a dying father of seven who can’t pay his bills after getting fired three times last month, is too proud to ask you to send $$$ to his ko-fi account. Support him by clapping for his stories and offering a subscription to his Substack to your mother-in-law.
Oops, I think I forgot to leave a link to my kofi page where you can give money!!
SORRY
It's here
https://ko-fi.com/smillew
I have begged offline, and I can say for a fact that online is much easier.
Also give money to Smillew. This is not someone you want to stop writing online.